Tag: Lists

Happy Turkey Day

To all my American friends – Happy Thanksgiving!  Today is not just a time to stuff yourself with enough food to feed an entire Ethiopian village for a week, watch football and give thanks to friends and loved ones – it also a time to rejoice in some bad movies.  Following in the footsteps of the late, great, Mystery Science Theater 3000, today is a day to sit and watch some real “turkeys” – the worst that the movie industry has foisted upon us over the years.  So to help you along in this grand tradition, I offer you my list of 9 essential episodes you should watch while you digest today’s over-indulgence.  As always, it’s just a list – there’s no importance to the order other than it’s the order in which I typed them up.

  • Episode 204 – Catalina Caper
  • Episode 302 – Gamera
  • Episode  322 – Master Ninja I
  • Episode 424 – Manos, The Hands of Fate
  • Episode 512 – Mitchell
  • Episode 513 – The Brain That Wouldn’t Die
  • Episode 521 – Santa Claus
  • Episode 904 – Werewolf
  • Episode 1013 – Diabolik

There are many, MANY more “must-see” episodes, but this a good list that gives you A little Joel, a little Mike, the last episode and lots of laughs.  Plus, it even includes a “Christmas” movie to help you along in the holiday season.

So, enjoy – and remember that when you touch yourself, the saints cry. Hikeeba!


RIP John Hughes

Holy shit, man.  My formative years are dying left and right.  Michael Jackson a month ago and now John Hughes?  Damn…  John Hughes movies helped a gazillion teens in the 80s realize that being different was okay and that everybody wasn’t as different as you might think.  That it didn’t matter if you weren’t part of the “In Crowd”, you could still come out on top.  As a writer, director and producer, Hughes put his Midas Touch on dozens of movies and helped launch (or boost) the career of just as many actors and actresses.  From “Sixteen Candles” and Molly Ringwald to “Mr. Mom” and Michael Keaton, he was to comedy what Hitchcock was to suspense.

So, in loving memory of a man who I never met but who had a fairly profound impact on me both in molding my sense of humor and making my teenage years a little more bearable, I present a list of the top 9 movies that John Hughes either wrote or directed (or did both).  As usual with my lists, there is no set order.

SIXTEEN CANDLES (1984, writer and director)
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985, writer and director)
WEIRD SCIENCE (1985, writer and director)
FERRIS BUELER’S DAY OFF (1986, writer and director)
PRETTY IN PINK (1986, writer)
MR. MOM (1983, writer)
SHE’S HAVING A BABY (1988, writer and director)
VACATION (1983, writer)
PLANES, TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES (1987, writer and director)

G’bye, John. Thanks for everything.


The Best Comics I’m Reading

Geez, for a guy that’s collected comics for a gazillion years and even WRITES one, you’d think I’d talk about them here, huh? I have no idea why I never have, to be honest. Not like it’s a dirty, little secret I keep hidden.
Hmmm.
Well, since I haven’t said anything about comics until now, I guess I should start with a list of what I’m digging the most out of what I buy each month. So, in no real order:

  • THE WALKING DEAD
  • CAPTAIN AMERICA
  • WOLVERINE
  • FABLES
  • THE LIVING CORPSE
  • THE BOYS
  • CROSSED
  • TERRY MOORE’S ECHO
  • FIST OF JUSTICE

I don’t read any X-Men books, so it’s weird to see ‘Wolverine’ there, but if you’ve been reading the “Old Man Logan” story, you know why it’s here.

Am I off my rocker with any of these picks? Is there something I should be reading? Let me know!
‘Walking Dead’ is, hands down, my favorite book. I’ve tried reading Kirkman’s other stuff and it just hasn’t grabbed me like this one has.
‘Living Corpse’ and ‘Fist of Justice’ for obvious reasons.
‘Crossed’ has only had one issue so far, but I really liked it and am quite curious where it goes, so it’s on the list for now.
‘The Boys’ is Garth Ennis doing superheroes and it’s good, depraved fun.
‘Captain America’ is hard to shoehorn into a tidy description. It’s not just a superhero adventure and it’s more than a crime/spy story. It’s a really well written book with characters that happen to wear costumes and have powers.
And ‘Echo’ is just fun. Plus, Terry Moore draws hot chicks. :)


Top 5 Best Scary Movies

For no reason other than because I can, here are my top 5 best scary movies.

5. Jaws – This movie single handily put a crimp in many beach front resorts when it came out, it scared people THAT much! It’s no secret that Spielberg wanted the shark to appear much earlier than when it first did, but due to mechanical problems they had to settle for far less shots than they wanted. And it worked to their advantage because we’re all much more afraid of what we CAN’T see because our imaginations – as crazy as they can be – do a more than adequate job of filling in what our eyes don’t see. The scariest aspect of the movie is that there is no reason for the shark to go after people. He’s not seeking vengeance for anything, he’s just… well, just being a shark. And it’s that randomness – that he could strike anyone – so scary.

4. Alien – It’s a good thing no one can you hear you scream in space, because once this one gets going its non-stop chills. The dark and shadowy corridors of the ship, the remoteness and lack of (potential) outside help and the unknown aspect of what the characters were up against all work in tandem to make this a truly horrifying movie. And like our #1 movie, it does it without a lot of gore or blood (aside from the one, obvious scene of course).

3. Poltergeist – A truly scary movie from the mind of Stephen Spielberg (shit, this makes it TWO movies he had his mitts on!). I think what makes this one so spooky is the way it takes the fears we surely all had as children – shadows in our bedrooms, strange noises outside the window, etc., – and gives them (scary) faces. That shadow? It’s just a big stuffed clown. THAT WANTS TO KILL YOU! The weird ‘scritching’ noise outside your window? It’s just a tree branch scraping the glass. THAT BELONGS TO A TREE THAT WANTS TO KILL YOU! It doesn’t hurt that the family is a typical, suburban family – the kind of family you might belong to, or at least live next door to.

2. The Night of the Living Dead – the original by George Romero. It’s nowhere near as shocking today as it was back when it was originally released, but it still holds up quite well. The zombies are like a force of nature; they can be slowed down but never truly stopped. Sure, you can kill (re-kill?) one with a shot to the head or burning it up, but one or two more just show up to take its place. I’m not going to get into the political/sociological message(s) here, but they ARE easily found and pretty spot on, especially for the 60s (less so now, but sadly still evident). The ending is quite a downer, too. Something that not too many movies ever have the balls to do. Do yourself a favor and track down a good print of this movie. There are tons of public domain pieces of shit out there, so look carefully.

1. Halloween – The original by John Carpenter. Despite coming out after (the original) Black Christmas, many people – myself included – consider this to be the granddaddy of all ‘slasher’ pics. It defined the entire genre for years to come with all of it’s trappings; the first person POV of the killer, the (now cliche) group of girls – the party girls and the virgin – jump scares, creative kills, false deaths of the killer and the ‘surprise’ ending. There’s not a lot of blood in the movie and none of the gore that has come to represent horror in today’s market. And truth be told, you doesn’t miss it. Carpenter’s simplistic yet incredibly creepy musical score add the final, perfect touch to this horror masterpiece.

(a few that didn’t make this Top 5 list, but are certainly worthy of spots 6-10, if I went that far, would be (in no order): The Exorcist, The Omen, The Blair Witch Project, Open Water and Psycho)


Top 5 Coolest Monkeys

The top five coolest monkeys as seen on television and movies are:

5. Cheetah – Before Jane and before Boy, Tarzan had Cheetah. And everybody knows that it was Cheetah who saved Tarzan’s ass on more than one occasion, so if that – and the fact that dude could zip through the trees on those expertly placed vines like nobody’s business – doesn’t warrant a spot on this list, I don’t know what does.

4. Bear – Alright, Bear didn’t do all that much, but he got to hang out with Greg Evigan and ride around in a 18-wheeler all the while putting the screws to “The Man” in the form of Claude Akins’ ‘Sheriff Lobo’. Plus, he was B.J.’s best friend, and that means a lot.

3. Clyde – While Clint Eastwood beat the shit out of people, Clyde crapped in police cars. Not only was he somewhat potty trained, he sort of knew hand signals for driving – although “Right turn, Clyde” was more like “Mirror-image of a left turn, Clyde”, it was much quicker and easier to say “Right turn”. And just by nearly knowing something that many drivers know NOTHING about is worth the number 3 spot.

2. Chim-Chim – Let’s see; young human companion? Check. Matching hats with said young human? Check. Mischief? Double check. A trunk (?!?) in a super-souped-up racecar? Got it! Spridle and Chim-Chim were considered by many to be the comic relief in “Speed Racer”, but true monkey aficionados see him for what he truly was; A, uhm… a monkey who dressed like the kid he hung out with while hiding in a trunk in the process of getting into all sorts of shenanigans.

1. Lancelot Link – He was a spy, a musician, a comedian and, most importantly, one helluva good actor! Lance was truly ahead of his time and knew how to play his roles; dressed to impress and delivering his lines with rapid-fire precision. Lance truly took animal acting to the next level. Bravo, Lance, bravo.


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